It Aint Easy Bein The Nazgul
by Jeff James
Summary: Story begins before the finding of the ring of power and will go to the end. First two chapters are Humor but the Genre will change to Humor/Action/Adventure.
1. Spring Cleaning

NAZGUL AIN'T SO BAD!  
  
Disclaimer: All of these characters are the creations of the loved and respected J.R.R Tolkien, but have unfortunately been mutilated for a good laugh. R&R, be kind!  
  
Story Line: The Nazgul get a terrible rap. When they aren't after the ring or off fighting Sauron's wars and killing little defenseless things the can be quite enjoyable. Story begins before it is known Bilbo has the One Ring.  
  
I'm sure they all had real names but for the sake of humor just forget it please!  
  
Characters: King Nazgul: Wayne 2nd Nazgul: Jim - Surfer Dude 3rd Nazgul: Harry - Surfer Dude 4th Nazgul: Jeffrey 5th Nazgul: Tony 6th Nazgul: Gary - Has strong British accent. 7th Nazgul: Robert 8th Nazgul: Donny - Weedhead 9th Nazgul: Lester - out of the Nine, liked least by Sauron, prefers to be called Lesley when at home, if you grasp the situation correctly. Enjoys knitting and disguising himself as a Rider In Pink.  
  
******  
  
CHAPTER 1 - SPRING CLEANING  
  
It was a usually dreary day in Mordor, or maybe it was night, but none of them really cared or wondered. They were sitting in the main dining room of Minas Morgul (MM), the Head Nazgul, Wayne, was trying to get the Nine to try and polish up their raspy Wraith voices since Barad-Dur was currently under construction and Sauron may need them to run some errands.  
  
Lester didn't like to use his voice, since it "hurt his throat" and he liked discussing topics such as animal rights or why he couldn't wear brighter colors. In his lispy feminine voice he proclaimed, "I just don't understand why we must were these terrible blacks and shades of gray! They're just sooooo depressing! Pinks, purples, blues, greens, reds, yellows! Nothing like that! Nothing! I hate it, I hate it, I hate iiit!"  
  
Most of the others were by now fed up with Lester and his babbling. Wayne felt the same and told him to go feed the horses or just leave the room.  
  
They all sat quietly shaking their heads until Wayne finally spoke up. 'I swear, I don't understand why the hell he's so-so-so damn weird! I cant stand to think of how screwed up his kingdom must've been.' That was pretty much what the others were thinking. Gary commented that he didn't feel comfortable with Lester down stairs and was worried that he was probably painting the stables magenta or something so he suggested to go and check on him. When he arrived he saw that Lester was wearing a baby blue robe with matching colors draped over the horse as well. Before he could stop him he was off riding and didn't really care where he was going or if he came back.  
  
Lester didn't return that day.  
  
The next morning they awoke to find the dining hall clean of all cobwebs and dust. Not only that, but it was painted a bluish color with daisies and roses painted around the bottom near the floor. They all walked into what used to be a large greeting hall, and there they found that room swept, mopped, and dusted and in the corner there was Lester, stirring paints, mixing red and orange together. He had obviously visited the hardware store yesterday. All of them were in so much shock and anger that they were speechless, but Jim managed to find the words first. "What in Morgoth's name are you doin'!" "Spring cleaning of course," replied Lester. They were all stupefied that he had the nerve to do this. They all turned to Wayne motioning for him to do something. He used his raspy wraith voice and said "There aint been no spring cleanin' in hear since the damn Numenorians! What is the matter with you, have you gone mad?!!!" The others applauded him and nodded their heads in approval noticing that he'd practiced.  
  
Lester calmly replied in his feminine somewhat lispy voice, "Of course not, I figured this place needed a good cleaning after 3000 years and so what you filthy stinkers you!"  
  
By now Wayne was noticeably red, a color he had never been for thousands of years. "GET OUT!" He said. Lester, somewhat confused asked, "What?" "YOU HEARD ME, NOW GET OUT, AND DON'T COME BACK WITH ANY MORE PAINT UNLESS IT'S BLACK TO COVER UP THIS CRAP!"  
  
Lester, who could be quite dangerous when roused, was very upset so he drew his sword. "Come on you big dukey head! I'm ready, if I nail you once, I get to paint and clean the whole tower, but if you get me, I'll quit and repaint everything to it's original color. Deal?" "DEAL, BITCH! NOW FEEL MY WRATH!" They both yelled in their wraith voiced and charged each other. Lester sounded quite powerful and to the surprise of the others, he quickly gained the upper hand. They fought for a good ten minutes and Wayne quickly jabbed at Lester but he dodged and before Wayne could regain his position, Lester had stabbed him lightly in the shoulder meaning the contest was over. Wayne swore quietly to himself and went to his room.  
  
Lester hopped up and down saying, "Hooray for me! Hooray for me!" The others followed Wayne in disappointment and went to their rooms. Immediately Lester began painting. 


	2. We'll Show You Spring Cleaning!

CHAPTER 2: WE'LL SHOW YOU SPRING CLEANING!  
  
SUMMARY: The other 8 Nazgul must come up with a way to change Lester before some Orcs come waltzing in and tip Sauron off about Lester's recent decorations. R&R be kind! **By the way no offense to homosexuals.  
  
******  
  
All through the night and into the next day Wayne paced around his room thinking of ways to make Lester change his ways. Every now and then he would stop and rub his chin, mumbling to himself, then shake his head and start pacing some more. Meanwhile, the others sat in the dining hall thinking about what shade of pink Lester was painting the upper parts of the tower, that's where he's been for the last two days, humming phrases such as "I'm a geenie in a bottle" and "hit me baby one more time!" to himself, only confirming what the others already thought. That he was actually gay! Harry commented that he wondered how long he'd been like this and wondered what could've brought this on what those songs were because they'd never heard them before but they just didn't sound like things that a Nazgul should be singing.  
  
At long last, Wayne came stomping out of his room with his index finger in air showing he had an idea (plus he was as hungry as two hobbits stuck in the Emyn Muil, which confused him because he had never heard of a hobbit - weird huh?!). Little did he know that Lester was making his way down to the dining room as well. In fact, they would meet at the same time.  
  
Wayne was almost jogging now and could see through the doorway that Lester wasn't around so he continued his trip to the dining room, beginning to smile. Lester, preparing for another confrontation, tried to understand how Wayne was feeling. Wayne, now fully smiling, entered the room at the exact same moment that Lester did. The smile that was on his face quickly turned to no expression and Lester casually said, "Hi!" Wayne dropped his hand a turned around and went straight back to his room.  
  
"Would you guys like to take a look upstairs?" Asked Lester. They all said "Sure" and "Why not?." Lester showed them up to the top room of the tower where he had painted the walls yellow with neon colored hand-prints and a bright blue sky on the ceiling complete with clouds and a big red eye near the corner. All of them quietly laughed and covered their mouths except for Harry who saw that this was seriously out of hand and Lester who was admiring the spots on the walls where he painted all of their names with glue and glitter as well as the peace signs on the floor. Harry told them to "lets go" and they all went down the stairs while he suggested they talk with Wayne about what to do, but Wayne had already began coming upstairs and met them half-way.  
  
In unison they asked "what do you plan to do?." For a moment he stood their trying not to hyperventilate and finally said "I'm gonna kill that gay bastard right now! I'm the fucking king of the Nazgul now you, all seven of ya are gonna help me throw him off the damn tower or I'll throw you off too." Surprised, but moved by his angry speech, they all yelled "kill the gay bastard!" over and over again. Lester, who suspected something like this had previously commanded his horse to stand outside the window in some attempt to brake his fall if he was thrown or was forced to jump for his life.  
  
Wayne and the others came in and surrounded Lester and told him to get this "shit" off of the walls or pay the price. Lester said that this was art and tried to come them but it greatly failed. They grabbed him and some yelled "Minas Morgul!" while Wayne kept repeating "we'll show you spring cleaning!" They threw him out of the window and crammed themselves up against it trying to see him die but to their surprise he was gliding! He was using his massive robes to sail down. Still this was not enough. He hit the horse causing the poor horses legs to break under the weight. For a while he lay there but soon got up and started to look around hoping no orcs had seen him. When the others upstairs saw he was okay the all began to curse.  
  
Lester looked at the poor horse and saw his suffering and decided to put it down with his sword. Weeping, he cut the horses throat and realized he'd have to send an orc to Rohan to steal another damn horse. He looked up at the disgruntled faces in the window and flicked them off and gave them the "up yours" sign. 


End file.
